yay this is so fun

this is just my experience i speak or nobody but myself

i have been diagnosed with four plagues of the mind, four horsemen. depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd. _ all of these are pretty devastating to live with but the most miserable is without a doubt ocd.
when i was a little kid, i was basically the opposite of neat and clean. there was just really no need or desire to do anything to calm myself down. my biggest problem at the time was largely social isolation. i could let piles of artwork pile onto my desk and toys under the bed collecting cobwebs but it didn't bother be because i just never cared, needed to care.
in may 2019, when i was 12, my family moved to the house next door. this was the first time we'd moved in eight years. this got me really thinking about my life and my belongngs. i set up my new room in a more concise way for once but that would last only a month because of the incident

i have problems with my father

nobodys perfect sometimes you get a crush on your coworker and have 3 children. everybody makes mistakes and sometimes that mistake is deeply abusive. hi mom! you picked wrong! (don't worry - we agree about this.) the earliest instance i remember was the night after my fifth birthday party. my mom was enourmously pregnant and my father was just ripping into her and all her flaws right in front of me and she was crying and i was crying and we held onto each other.
you wouldnt think it but i spent most of my childhood with my father being basically my best friend. unpredictable, rough around the edges, cruel, but still bought me as many bug juices and popropica memberships as i wanted and we listened to music together. my mom was not capable of this, she was too swamped with raising twin babies to pay me any attention. still unmedicated too. my biggest bully, let's be honest.
but come on, why was it that everything i made or liked had to be endlessly criticized. oh, mom! you needed me because the old man refuses to grocery shop or change diapers. yes, he makes the money, yes its valuable, but i think there is someone you're forgetting. you can even call me beautiful and thoughtful and talented but it doesent matter when im a fat and lazy brat as soon as i want to spend time with you.
2018 or 19 and they start fighting again. at this point my siblings are at school. something about subway sandwiches gets us, me, mom, siblings knocked out of the house for the rest of the evening to recouperate. we move houses. move houses, and it is all worse in every way. more fighting, more argumenting. all for the kids to bear witness, whether in the flesh or through the vents on sneakier occasions.
but of couse theyre trying to keep it together for us. one summer afternoon we go out to the football field to practice bike riding _ but my brother is very reluctant. so as me and my darling sister cycle a loop around we notice this scene that has played out in our brief abscence.
we weren't really a spanking family because both of my parents were and did not turn out normal but i guess that my brother refusing to ride a bike was a step too far. so there we are in this open field (with other people!) and my father is practicng the spank unto my brother and he's crying and my mom is shouting to stop cuz people are watching. there was talk of rock throwing but i cannot emphasise enough that this was a football field. either way it probably wouldnt justify humiliating a 6 year old like that.
so this all culminates in one night. the incident. i watched youtube in my room until midnight. turned out slazo was in drama for being abusive which bothered me as i slipped of to sleep. i must have slept for an hour till i heard a little bit of shouting and i thought it was the neighbors for a minute but i was really not.
yay i moved on into my sibling bedroom so see if they were up and yeah yay so we hung out and tried to be calm despite the slamming and serial killer screaming which went really quiet suddenly.
so yeah maybe its dramatic but i thought he killed my mom.i lost all respect i had left for my father in that moment, whether she was ok or not. i heard footsteps up the stairs which could either mean its him coming up to kill us too or mom is ok. > good option ! yay
turns out my mom had called the police. all the slamming was the bathroom door being beat on really hard. he was so drunk. a mirror smashed. now our house was a crime scene :) we had to get out so instead of sleeping i packed all my stuff up again. i slept a little that morning. that day a bunch of people helped us get out while my father was still away. someone brought donuts. that night we watched that new grinch movie. that morning we watched madagascar 2.
yay we left the house with a big old trailer we borrowed. i thought i would never see that house again. man i hate that house. this house. spoilers. that day we just went a town over and stayed in a hotel. that was the last time i've been swimming, that hotel pool.
next day was for driving. everyone hated being alive lol it was so hot. my aunt bought us a very fancy hotel room over the internet that night. more driving . blah blah blah. we stayed at my uncles house for the next month, trying to put our lives back toghther

turns out you can't just cross the state line like that